Time for A Fresh Start…

I was in the process of beginning a new blog when I realized that I didn’t have the heart to let this one go. I wanted to start with a clean slate-take the blog a different direction. I don’t see why I can’t do that with this one, though.

So starting now, I’m starting anew! Make sure to check out the newest addition to my blog: “the Mind” and “the Soul” pages!

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
Anonymous

No Time.

So much to say, No time to say it.

No time, No time.

Powerful quote…

“We have no right to askwhen a sorrow comes, ‘Why did this happen to me’ unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.”

-Anonymous

Arrggh.

Why do people assume I am no longer premed because it’s too hard? When I say “I can’t do it anymore” that doesn’t mean I don’t have the mental capacity…my academic history shows more than enough evidence of my capability to go to Med School.

Why don’t people understand that theres more to ‘being a doctor’ than going to med school and making money?! There’s sickness, death and depression involved too. Blood, gore, loss. Everything that no normal person has ever had to encounter or deal with, a doctor has to confront on a daily basis. Why do people have such a flowery perception of it then? Its so damn frustrating for people to ask “why arent you premed anymore?” If I say “I don’t want to anymore, It doesn’t appeal to me anymore” the answer is always seems to be “yah its really hard and takes a long time.” WHO CARES?! Thats not what its about! Its DO-able. But the point is, people die. If you’re going into any kind of surgery, that is one thing that you should be damn ready to deal with. Any other area of healthcare, you’ll still have to worry with various types of illnesses, degenerative diseases, etc. For me, its not about the 8 long years of grueling work it would take to become a doctor. Its not about the hundreds of lives I could save, the thousands of people I could affect. For me, the thing that makes all the difference is that out of all those hudreds or thousands of people whose life could be affected, people still die. It maybe a handful, and ones that may not have had hope. Morbid view? Perhaps, but whether or not you know the person that has died, its human nature to feel the loss of the person who has died. People say you just have to learn to desensitize yourself from death…but what if that person is someone you love? You have that person’s life in your hands. So do you desenstize yourself and see this person you love just like any other patient.

I realize what I did when I decided to change my major. I had been ‘premed’ for years, and all of a sudden decided I didn’t want to do it anymore. It was a difficult decision to be sure; I’d never thought of other options. But that’s just the way life works. Things happen, your paths change. Being a doctor isn’t the only way to survive in this world. I commend those who choose the Med tracks…but it’s just not for me anymore.

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

-Lewis Carroll, novelist

Calm and Courage

I love quotes because they are words that other people have spoken that apply in one way or another to my life as well as others’ im sure. The following quote is an anonmyous quote, but somehow fits well into my life such as it is right now.

“I sit besides my lonely fire, and pray for wisdome yet: For calmness to remember, or courage to forget.”

December is approaching and its stressing me out…maybe its because I fight the memories? I’m not ready to remember them all in detail just yet. One day though, I’ll let you all in. I’ll tell you the details, but for now, I pray for wisdome yet…

Falling Back to Earth

There have been a few humbling experiences in my short life: Appendicitis, deaths of my best friends, rebelling and realizing the hurt and pain I have the potential to cause. All these were learning experiences-I felt physical pain, and realized what pain really meant. I felt emotional pain, and realized what loss really meant. And I felt the disappointment from those I hurt as well as myself and realized what responsibility really meant.

But in the past few weeks, I have had another humbling experience.

On August 5th, when my mom came back from Pakistan, she brought back my paternal grandmother. She was not being taken care of by her children there, and we hoped to provide a better life and standard of living here. Her son the Air Force Air Chief, her youngest daughter, the wife of an Army doctor, and her eldest daughter, the wife of the former Air Force Air Chief were all incompetent, ungrateful, and unaccomodating to their aging mother. So it was left to my father and mother to see how they could make the last years of her life comfortable by bringing her to America, a foreign country. But bring her we did. We knew what this required of us: time spent with her just doing nothing, talking to her in our mother tongue, having to repeat everything because she was losing her hearing, having to come immediately at every call no matter what, occasionally massaging her legs when her old bones ached. These were all things we were ready to do, me especially because I knew that I would have to be in charge of her. “She’s your responsibility,” said my dad before leaving for Pittsburgh. He wouldn’t be here while he was away during the week, and only home on weekends. So he left the care of my grandmother up to me, knowing my mom had other things to worry about: cooking, cleaning, soccer mom-ing, etc. So I took it in stride. No matter how frustrated I got-being called to change the channel while studying for an ass-kicker of a Orgo test, having to repeat things OVER and OVER and OVER, having to translate every conversation from English to Urdu whether it pertained to her or not-I’ve done it all. And I do it gladly, because she has seen things that I have not. She has experienced things I have not. She has lived through so much more, and I have not. Is it so much to ask that we make her last years as comfortable as she would like? Or the way she would like? 

So when I was asked to “give her her pain medication,” I thought ‘Hey no sweat.’ I didn’t realize that it meant applying pain-relieving ointment to her lower back and basically anywhere else she hurt. Every night for the last 3 weeks, I have applied the ointment before she goes to bed. Every night, I see the future. I see what will become of us all when we get old. What will become of ME.

I hate to think that I may be the kind of grandmother that can no longer climb stairs at 80, that can’t sit up for longer than an hour or two, that will need a hearing aid just to watch TV. Every night, when I smear the pain meds on her back, I wonder if she feels embarassed that her granddaughter has to see her like this. Or wistful for the days of her youth? I realize that we will go through stages in our life, and not think about the fact that we are getting old, because each new stage will bring new surprises and experiences. But at some point, we will be old and brittle, and realize that life has no where to go now. There is no graduation to look forward to, or wedding, or kids, or their graduations and weddings. Life is done and over with….

To realize that our youth and the opportunities we have, the doors that are open to us…to realize that we will not have these forever is a hugely humbling experience. These people too were once young and silly and reckless and hopeful-all ready to grow up. Now they are-but now its also our turn… What are we going to do with our choices? What are we doing with our future to ensure that our children grow up loving and caring people so that they will repay us? I do not fear getting old, because it is a natural part of life. But I fear what COMES with getting old. I would love to be the kind of grandmother who, at 90, is still throwing a baseball around with her grandchildren…But who knows what the future holds for sure? Nothing is for certain except the here and now. The decisions of today will decide how we life out our lives, and spend our old age…Theyll decide the kind of kids we raise, the path our retirements will take, and the condition we’ll be in when we get old, and eventually die… It’s like I’ve heard desi people joke: Take good care of your kids…they ARE your retirement plan….

Quote(s) of the Day/Blog:

     “Everybody wants to get old, but nobody wants to be old.”

-Johan Wolfgang von Goethe (German Poet/Novelist)

    “Learning acquired in y outh arrests the evil of old age; and if you understand that old age has wisdom for its food, you will so conduct yourself in youth that your old age will not lack for nourishment.”

-Leonardo Da Vinci

Variables

The Me of 2006 and the Me of 2008 are two very different people. It would shock many of my current friends to know the Me of 2006. And those that I have told, in brief detail, about the Me of 2 years ago, joke that they wish they would have known Me then-the crazy (ier, imsure) Me, the edgierMe. To think that I had once been crazier, more obnoxious and more high-strung than I am now is kind of unbelievable, but true.

See, 2 years ago, ‘Me’ didn’t care about any one else. I cussed like a sailor, didn’t care what I said or how people felt about it, and rebelled, not caring how it was affecting those I loved. I made crude jokes, and laughed at others’ cruder ones. I dropped the F-bomb like it was my business. Granted, my reputation was still a good one. I had enough sense to not do anything that would make people lose faith or trust in me-I hope..? At the time, though, the way I acted, the things I did, were heavily influenced by the people I talked to and hung out with. If my friends were hanging out with guys, then I would hang out with guys-whether I was okay with it or not. If my friends cussed, I would cuss whether I was okay with it or not. Sure, this  might sound like Peer Pressure, but the fact is-it wasn’t. It just became Habit.

In December, after the accident, I realized just how short-lived this life can be. One minute you’re talking with your best friends about how much fun you had at this Eid or that, and the next you’re consoling your dead best friend’s dad. The emotions you go through, no matter how irrational, cause you to make split decisions. You’re angry, so you might find people to blame-yourself or others. You’re grieved, so you might want your own world to end too. I was scared.

Thus, I assessed the variables. What was it in my life that needed to be changed? What were the variables in my life that were the wrong ones-that could make me next? See, I saw the accident as a punishment, and I must admit, I sometimes still do. So I decided to change my life to eliminate the things that were “detrimental” to my well-being, essentially.  I broke off alot of friendships that I felt were influencing me and my habits in negative ways. I cleaned up my act so I was home alot more, making sure I wasn’t out later than necessary [Like Ted's mother says in How I Met Your Mother, "Nothing good ever happens after 2 A.M."].  I cleaned up my language so that the way I talked and the things I said were no longer inappropriate or negatively implicative. All these things were (and are, I guess) variables. I didn’t mind changing any of them.

I’m not perfect by any means.  I like to tease people, and have taken it too far on several occasions I admit.  I expect people to understand that part of my personality and understand that I would never hurt someone intentionally. I have faults but I rely on the experiences I have had and try to use them to better myself. I have made mistakes for sure, who hasnt? But iA, I hope things will change.

The type of person I am right now…the cynical, sometimes cold, teasing person I am…I don’t like-but it has become ‘me’. I know nothing else because I made myself cold to the world. I want this to change but this perception of me has become embedded in peoples’ opinion of me….I want to be the Hiba I was in high school…

“The circumstances of the world are so variable that an irrevocable purpose or opinion is almost synonymous with a foolish one.”

–W. Shakespeare, poet and playwright

Let Me Pencil You In…

ughhh. I don’t know what it is. I don’t really know why my activity level seems to be on super high these days but its also increased stress level and decreased sleep levels…and it was Ramadan on top of that. Oh, and I’m late AGAIN.

Alot of the times, its because I can’t bring myself to say ‘no’ to people. Whether its planning this event, volunteering for that. I’m PSA President, MSA Conference Chair, Earthquake Dinner volunteer, Chaand Raat volunteer, Eid Open-House hostess, Shejea’s ‘Deputy’ Campaign Manager, working at ISNA and going to school…not to mention all the little things at home (like waiting on my grandmother 24/7). 

It’s not that I don’t enjoy these things- I do! I love being involved in things and organizing events and the such-It’s a chance to freely use my creativity!…But after a time, alot of the things I’m asked to help with, I feel obliged to do. People know I’ve had such responsibilities in the past, so they think “oh she can handle it.” Knowing this, I feel like I must say “of course I’ll help!”

At this point, I’m drained. I’m just tired. I wish I could pinpoint the exact date when I could say “ah, I’ll relax after this day,” but every week, every weekend in the near future is booked with one thing or another. One thing I’ve committed to myself, or have been committed to by someone else. 

Ahhh, I look forward to that day though. When I won’t have a schedule to think about. When I can think of my “To Do” list without panic. When I can finally catch up on HIMYM, Heroes, Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl.

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

Natalie Goldberg, author

Nightmares

Okay so heres how it goes down:

I didnt realize until the most recent one that I’d had this dream before-you know that dejavu feeling you get when you remember the dream after you wake up?

In the most recent one, I was coming down a staircase. There was a bathtub half full of water with a baby playing in it. On a sidenote-i noticed that for some strange reason, the baby was wearing one of those 1940′s style swimcaps that women wore..you know, the bonnet kinds that tied under the chin? Anyway, I come back about 5 minutes later, and the tub is full of water now and almost overflowing. The baby is floating in the tub, face down in the water. I haul the baby out, but its still breathing.  In past dreams (ive had similiar dreams about 2 or 3 times in the last month), none of the babies lived.

Now, obviously I know this has something to do with Shazreh’s death because of the whole drowning scenario. What I don’t know, is what the &%#@$! to do about them.  It’s a little stressful to say the least. I know I’ve been especially stressed with school, plus knowing that the one year mark is coming up.  But this isnt the kind of stress you relieve through meditation or yoga or something. So then what?

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Dreams are bad, when all they do is leave the truth behind…”

-Anonymous

The Hijab Debate

No this isn’t a debate about whether the hijab (headscarf worn by Muslim women) is mandatory-because I believe it is.

Does this seem strange? It might, for someone such as myself-since I don’t wear one. Plus I’m loud and outgoing, not at all demure and highly religious or extreme like some expect Hijabis to be. Funny thing is, I probably know more about Islam than most hijabis-and more about it than most would realize.

I’ve contemplated becoming hijabi since about 7th grade. My friends started wearing it around the same time, plus ISNA had quite the influence over me and my religious beliefs. I still think about it sometimes, but there are several reasons for why I haven’t started wearing it:

1. My Convictions. I have to be honest, my faith has wavered on many occasions over the course of these past two years. I made many mistakes because of loss/lack of faith.  Wearing hijab at this point would be a symbol and only that-until my convictions are stronger, the hijab would only serve as a fashion statement.

2. This brings me to my next point…The Symbol. The hijab serves as a symbol for Islam. As Imam Suhaib Webb put it, Muslim men can be undercover-no one has to know they are Muslim, on the other hand, Muslim women are a billboard for Islam. No matter where they go, everyone knows they’re Muslim. But as a symbol for Islam, you have to represent Islam in the best way possible. I think before taking such a big step like wearing a hijab for the rest of your life, one should work on being a better Muslim on the inside-like praying 5 times a day. Wearing the hijab but not praying the daily prayers makes the Hijab and all it represents meaningless.

3. The Commitment. The hijab is a commitment you must make for the rest of your life. I think it is a huge decision to make, and it is not made easily-wearing a hijab for the rest of your life is a jihad of the hardest sort, to be sure. I do not judge people for beginning to wear the hijab, and then deciding to stop, because it is so difficult.  For myself though, this would be unacceptable. I cannot really explain why this is, maybe I’m just harder on myself. But I would see it as very wrong to become hijabi and then take it off, so making this sort of commitment for the rest of my life is not something I’m prepared for…yet?

Honestly, I can’t say whether I will become hijabi one day, or not. I really don’t know. I’ve changed my mind about it so many times that at this point, I have no answer. I have the most respect for my hijabi friends, and hope that one day, my faith will be strong enough for me to represent Islam in the same way.

Quote of the day/blog:

“A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man made perfect without trials.”

-Chinese Proverb

So It Goes…

Ramadan 2008.

The first, without Shazreh…

without Shaail…

without Azmeh…

without Batul Auntie.

Lets do the math:

5 opportunities per day to pray for forgiveness and mercy on their behalf X 30 days= 150 prayers.

I wish I knew if it would do any good…

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfullness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget.”

-Chaim Herzog