The Me of 2006 and the Me of 2008 are two very different people. It would shock many of my current friends to know the Me of 2006. And those that I have told, in brief detail, about the Me of 2 years ago, joke that they wish they would have known Me then-the crazy (ier, imsure) Me, the edgierMe. To think that I had once been crazier, more obnoxious and more high-strung than I am now is kind of unbelievable, but true.
See, 2 years ago, ‘Me’ didn’t care about any one else. I cussed like a sailor, didn’t care what I said or how people felt about it, and rebelled, not caring how it was affecting those I loved. I made crude jokes, and laughed at others’ cruder ones. I dropped the F-bomb like it was my business. Granted, my reputation was still a good one. I had enough sense to not do anything that would make people lose faith or trust in me-I hope..? At the time, though, the way I acted, the things I did, were heavily influenced by the people I talked to and hung out with. If my friends were hanging out with guys, then I would hang out with guys-whether I was okay with it or not. If my friends cussed, I would cuss whether I was okay with it or not. Sure, this might sound like Peer Pressure, but the fact is-it wasn’t. It just became Habit.
In December, after the accident, I realized just how short-lived this life can be. One minute you’re talking with your best friends about how much fun you had at this Eid or that, and the next you’re consoling your dead best friend’s dad. The emotions you go through, no matter how irrational, cause you to make split decisions. You’re angry, so you might find people to blame-yourself or others. You’re grieved, so you might want your own world to end too. I was scared.
Thus, I assessed the variables. What was it in my life that needed to be changed? What were the variables in my life that were the wrong ones-that could make me next? See, I saw the accident as a punishment, and I must admit, I sometimes still do. So I decided to change my life to eliminate the things that were “detrimental” to my well-being, essentially. I broke off alot of friendships that I felt were influencing me and my habits in negative ways. I cleaned up my act so I was home alot more, making sure I wasn’t out later than necessary [Like Ted's mother says in How I Met Your Mother, "Nothing good ever happens after 2 A.M."]. I cleaned up my language so that the way I talked and the things I said were no longer inappropriate or negatively implicative. All these things were (and are, I guess) variables. I didn’t mind changing any of them.
I’m not perfect by any means. I like to tease people, and have taken it too far on several occasions I admit. I expect people to understand that part of my personality and understand that I would never hurt someone intentionally. I have faults but I rely on the experiences I have had and try to use them to better myself. I have made mistakes for sure, who hasnt? But iA, I hope things will change.
The type of person I am right now…the cynical, sometimes cold, teasing person I am…I don’t like-but it has become ‘me’. I know nothing else because I made myself cold to the world. I want this to change but this perception of me has become embedded in peoples’ opinion of me….I want to be the Hiba I was in high school…
“The circumstances of the world are so variable that an irrevocable purpose or opinion is almost synonymous with a foolish one.”
–W. Shakespeare, poet and playwright
